A Parent's Perspective: The Role of the Relative in Breaking down the Stigma

Recently, my sister invited my husband and me to a luncheon that she was throwing in honour of her grandson's graduation from university.  As she spoke, I winced at the prospect, but I realized right away that even though I knew it would be difficult for me, to refuse to come would cast us in a bad light.  So, I accepted and tried to sound cheerful about it. However, I could not help but ruminate yet again upon where our own son, our own bright and shining star, would be today had he not been struck down by severe mental illness on the very threshold of his life.

During the luncheon, my niece, the mother of the graduate sat next to me.  We are fairly close to each other in age, and as well have been friends for a long time, but she and her husband live in Vancouver, so we had some catching up to do about our family news.  I asked her about her son's plans, trying my best to sound happy for her as she spoke glowingly (and rightfully so) in praise of her son.  She then asked about our daughter, but not one word of interest was expressed toward our son whom she knew had a mental illness, even though he has recently made significant progress.

The unfairness of her silence only struck me as I returned home with my husband who spoke of his experience with my niece's husband.  It seems he too totally avoided expressing any interest in our son.  My first impression was that their combined attitude was as though our son was deceased or had never existed in the first place.  I spent the rest of the afternoon in a deep fog of lowered feelings and repressed rage toward my niece, as well as her husband, both of whom are highly educated and intelligent people.  When I tried to mention something about it to her the next day, she said something about not wanting me to think sad thoughts, so she'd decided to keep silent on the subject, not understanding that her very silence roared volumes.

I immediately understood that this error of omission committed by my relatives, unwitting as it was, merely reflected that of our society in general and is part and parcel of the cruelty of the stigma which this same society imposes on those afflicted with mental illness. Furthermore, when relating this incident to other mothers of consumers I understood that these  "omissions" on the part of others are quite common and are, as well, painful to the parent who then suffers in angry silence.  I began to wonder if there was anything we could do about it?

I would like to point out at this time, that my husband handled the erroneous silence of my niece's husband in a much different manner than myself who had merely sat passively grieving over her mistake.  He did not wait for our niece's husband to ask about our son. When news was asked about our daughter, he told him about it, and then went directly on to talk about our son, proudly, and justifiably too.  As a consequence, my husband did not land up with lowered feelings, and was unruffled by this luncheon experience.  It struck me later that not only were my husband's actions more skillful, but that in his own small way helped to erase the stigma of mental illness.  On the other hand, by remaining silent with people who feel they are being kind by not asking, we are actually perpetuating this same stigma.  And how can we ask more of society if we ourselves, the closest relatives of our ill loved ones, by our very own silence, mimic this identical behaviour?

So it was that I decided right then to attempt to turn this unpleasant experience into a positive one by making a firm decision to try to imitate my husband's behaviour in future situations with friends and relatives as they come about; and as well, I feel I would like to urge other close relatives of those with mental illness to do the same. It's time to come out of the closet! (This must be done only when you are ready as you also need to respect your own needs.)

As our society grows more open, tolerant and respectful of differences among us, those of us who are near and dear to consumers bear an obligation to shed light upon the nature of such illnesses, as well. We must talk about it openly, just as it is normal to talk about physical illnesses. Progress has already been made, but we must not stop trying to educate whenever we can, even if only small efforts are made. It is the collective effort that can make a difference.  It is my hope that in the near future, mental illness can be regarded among intelligent society as a serious physical illness which happens to be in the brain.  We can significantly ease the suffering of our loved ones once the shame of the stigma is forever eradicated.

Marilyn Conroy