HOW TO DEAL WITH EMBARRASSING BEHAVIOR

Families suggest that embarrassing behaviour can be dealt with in two ways: clearly outline and reach an agreement with your relative about what behaviour will and will not be tolerated, and examine your own attitude about why you are allowing yourself to be embarrassed.

Families have found that coming to an agreement about behaviour is sometimes a lot easier than people think. One woman related the following story: "In monitoring my daughter's behaviour, I often tried to find just the 'right' way of dealing with it. I wanted to correct it in a positive way so that her feelings wouldn't be hurt. As a result, sometimes I did nothing, because I couldn't figure out what to do. For example, one day my son told me that whenever he had friends over, his sister would join them and do embarrassing things. Could I please do something about it? I spent days trying to decide how to handle this situation wisely. Then my son told me he had handled it himself. He simply told his sister, 'When I have friends over, I want to be alone with them.' My son was direct and honest and no feelings were hurt."

Many families agree that the direct approach can sometimes work well. Saying something like "Stop that," or "Knock it off," or "That's inappropriate behaviour," changed the behaviour. This may have to be repeated. Families say that you have to realize that sometimes your relative is not aware of acting in an inappropriate manner, and therefore a simple statement from you will serve the purpose. For example: "Please don 't smoke in here, Mrs. Jones suffers from asthma."

Families may find themselves "bargaining" for suitable behaviour, but they should weigh the risks carefully before doing so: "If you do this, or don't do that, then we'll go out for dinner, buy that new record, go for a drive," and so on. As always, your ability to achieve results will depend upon a realistic assessment and acceptance of the problem. Remember that some behaviours will take longer than others to correct. Much patience is needed.

Sometimes no amount of intervention works, and embarrassing behaviour will take place on the spur of the moment. This is when families stress that you need to examine your own attitude. Why are you allowing yourself to be embarrassed by someone you know is ill with a disease that interferes with brain functioning? The answer, of course, as with all embarrassing behaviour, is that we assume that everyone is looking at us, and thinking that there is something wrong with us, not with the person who is behaving inappropriately. This is true whether or not the person is a spouse who has had too much to drink at a party, a two-year-old throwing a tantrum, or a teenager with schizophrenia dancing naked on the lawn. The problem is that when we allow our self-esteem to suffer because of someone else's behaviour, we can no longer deal effectively with that behaviour. Mixed with this may be genuine concern that the person is losing the esteem of others - "There goes John's chance of making some friends."

Families who have worked through this problem of attitude feel that if necessary, they are now able to take a responsible role in assisting their relative - without taking blame for embarrassing behaviour that might occur. They have undergone a shift in outlook and realize that it is the "onlooker" who may have an attitude problem. Often, they now feel saddened, rather than embarrassed, as they watch their relative struggling to adapt to the world of "normal" behaviour. They suggest one keep in mind that if the family member who is suffering the most is not the person who is ill, something is wrong and you should seek professional help.

Here are some suggestions for dealing with your relative's sudden or impulsive actions .

1. Take immediate steps to stop or change the behaviour.

2. Be firm, sometimes angry, but never abusive with your relative.

3. Be polite to bystanders. Assume that they are understanding and tolerant.

4. If necessary, apologize and explain the situation to anyone involved in the incident.

5. If warranted, offer to pay for damages, clean up the mess, explain to whomever, and so on.

6. Keep your sense of humour.

Share the story with someone you know will see its "funny" side.

Text from: SCHIZOPRENIA, A handbook for families , published by Health Canada in co-operation with the Schizophrenia Society of Canada

On the web: www.hc-sc.gc.ca/hppb/mentalhealth/pubs/schizophrenia/index.html