How to Better Communicate with Your Loved One

By: Tamar Perecowicz FRIENDLY LINK 

As we all know, mental illness is a condition that affects us all in varying degrees. Its presence and impact in our lives and in the lives of those we love is not an easy thing. It affects us with all kinds of painful feelings; guilt, shame, confusion, frustration, alienation and despair are but a few examples. We may either feel cut off from our loved ones or feel cut off from ourselves, as we struggle to make sense of the 'insensible.'

It goes without saying that individuals with a severe mental illness are affect tremendously. Not only are they troubled by their own conflicted emotions, they may also feel alienated and misunderstood by the people closest to them. The illness can have the effect of making them trapped in a world of confusion where nothing seems to make sense and they can't even trust their most basic instincts. Communication becomes impossible when remaining in this destructive state and it only serves to propagate the feeling of 'being alone.' Below are some key points to keep in mind and build on in learning healthier, more constructive ways of relating to your loved one.

Respect, more than just a 7-letter word : As a loved one of a person with a mental illness, it's important to bear in mind that it isn't their fault that they have  a mental illness. In fact, more often than not, they are doing the best they can to handle their situation with rather limited resources and coping skills. What you can offer is acceptance and respect. Try to separate their individuality and merit as a human being from their condition. Mentally ill loved ones need to know that they are still cared for by you, even in their darkest or most incoherent moments. Look at the symptoms of their illness that they may act out as indicative of the illness, and not their personality.

Good environments make for good communication: Good communication requires the right milieu in which to develop and flourish. This means establishing a stable structure in which to center communication with your loved one. Pick an appropriate time and place in which you can talk without fostering harsh judgments or feelings. Conflict-free activities and settings help establish this venue of trust. Do something you both enjoy so as to ensure that you are on the same wavelength prior to delving into sensitive or painful issues. Setting the parameters for the communication helps defuse potentially intense and explosive emotions, which can only serve to shut down the process of open communication. Offer your loved one reminders of the elements of their life that they do have control over. It also gives you a common base from which to reach out to your loved one.

Focus on the process rather than the content: Healthy communication is built on trust and reciprocity of ideas, thoughts and feelings. Notably, above all else, try to maintain a positive attitude. This puts you in a better place to resolve any conflict that may come up in the dialogue you will share with one another. An open-minded positive attitude does wonders for people, if nothing else it diminishes tension and puts things into greater perspective. Listening without judgment also helps foster positive regard, where your loved one can feel as though their ideas are validated, no matter how irrational or bizarre they appear to be. In this sense, the process becomes more important than the actual content of what you are discussing. Your loved one can feel nurtured in being heard by you and gradually take greater risks to disclose and share more of themselves.

Some constructive tactics to use in building better relationships: What's most important is to be calm and straightforward from the outset. Try to use clear and concise statements when talking to your loved one. Keeping it simple always works best. Reflect openness in your nonverbal behaviors/body language and allow the person an exit to the conversation if they become too agitated or need a break from the discussion. Learn to set realistic goals for your loved one; ultimately it's important not to be overly demanding in your expectations by bearing in mind their overall level of functioning. Establish rules and set limits that are reasonable and pay attention not to denigrate their character if they fail to follow them.

Treat your loved one as you would treat yourself, and vice versa: Learn to value the healing properties of distance. Conversations reach an impasse when individuals are unable to reclaim a space for quiet reflection and inner processing of what's already been discussed. One key way of doing this can be to establish a safe yet loving distance from them, in allowing them to do as much as they can for themselves while resting assured that they have your love and support.

What are the benefits of using such skills for building better communication? Studies have shown that families who maintain a good communication improve significantly their quality of life and reduce the occurrence of crisis and relapse.

 All in all, good communication is 'more than meets the eye,' but with time, patience and practice, it offers a lasting impression.