Acting as if there is no conflict!
By Diane Grenier, Family Program

Who has not experienced the barriers of disagreement or been in a relationship where whatever is said or done, or not said or not done, leads to conflict and tension? Learning how to interact better with others has always been a universal challenge for everyone faced with conflict, whatever the nature or with whom.
When communication is difficult we are trapped in a power struggle of expectation, of differing points of views and positions. Strong disagreements become conflicts. Attitudes which put people on the offensive or the defensive prevail. Emotions run so high that people wonder if they might be possessed as each person attempts to assert his or her point of view. People think that if one is right, the other is wrong, if one loses, the other wins. What really happens is that by standing their ground both people in the relationship lose.

Frustration and anger, depending on the relationship, can quickly lead to feelings of division, isolation, powerlessness and depression. Communicating becomes almost impossible as each person broods. And if there is a sudden dislike for the other person, even good explanations are not sufficient; they risk adding fuel to the problem.

The key to solving conflicts is not necessarily by sharing grievances. To communicate easily again, people must rebuild a climate of trust.

All communication is three sided: the two people involved and the relationship. When it breaks down, both people are gripped with a feeling of anguish. One person cannot  attempt to control either the behaviour or thinking of the other. It's a mistake to think that, if the other person changes to fit what we expect, the relationship will be better. It is possible, however, for someone to control what he or she brings to the relationship.

The better the quality of a relationship the better the chances are that it will improve the situation or well-being. Thus, focusing on ourselves and taking charge of our contribution to the quality of the relationship are the only two elements we can truly control. Transforming the spirit of a relationship is a personal choice. To do so, we have to look at what is involved when a relationship is harmonious because that can help us fight for the relationship instead of against each other.

We must act "as if" we get along . That may be a lot to ask of those faced with frustration. If the challenge seems almost ridiculous, it is best to begin by interacting as little as possible and to say little while slowly restoring harmony. Do your best, at the appropriate moments and take your time.

First, eliminate what is not part of a good relationship. Setting  such limits will have an effect on the relationship and eventually on the other person. Criticism, accusations, justifications and arguments emanating from a negative disposition lead nowhere. Even if outbursts release tension and can lead to some results in the short term, their residual negative effects will endure in the medium and long term. They may make the other person do what you want, but that person will feel like a slave and will want to rebel. Remarks that cause shame and guilt are to be avoided at all cost. Faced with criticism from the other person, it is important to remain calm, listen without comment and show empathy for his or her frustration. If he or she becomes angry, we can leave saying that raw emotions are not compatible to communication.

To go further in the "as if" scenario, it is important to learn to communicate one's expectations as requests rather than as demands. Demands can be upsetting formulated as orders or commands: I want you to ....  I don't want you to ...  On the other hand, a request is more open-ended: Could you ....?  Would it be possible ...? The latter assumes cooperation while giving a choice. It states the facts and provides information in order to enlist the support of the other person on ways of solving a problem. Even non-negotiable harmful aspects can be presented as a free choice although consequences have to be made clear. It is better to separate or get away rather than continue in a destructive relationship. Don't be afraid of the rearanging that could lead to the eventual return of harmony. 

As long as there is a relationship, acting more "as if" communication is good has a stabilizing effect. Without our being aware of it at all times, a good relationship includes:

-- ¥ Goodwill : Even in conflict, we must assume the goodwill of the other person who would act otherwise if it were possible. We must show our own goodwill by always being open and patient.

--¥ Honesty : Being honest with another person requires our being honest with ourselves. We must be aware of our own personal limitations (material, physical and emotional) while being able to communicate them. Remaining honest with ourselves and the other person means that the exchange is clear, expectations precise and what can be given plainly stated.  It will also encourage the other person to do the same.

--¥ Acceptance : This means the other person is accepted just as he or she is. We often expect, explicitly or implicitly, the other party to have ideas and an ideal more along the lines of our own. Having different viewpoints that we see as wrong and is often the basis of conflict and guilt. We need to be realistic and resist expecting the other person to give what he or she cannot give because of personal limitations. The behaviour and thoughts of the other person make sense to them. Accepting the situation and dealing with it are important steps towards improving the relationship. Because often it is conflict itself that reinforces negative attitudes, letting go can lead to surprising results.

-- ¥ Detachment : By not holding on so tight, we can better understand that the ideas or behaviour of the other person do not necessarily relate to us. It is helpful to not see them as personal attacks. Those in a healthy relationship are not afraid to be themselves. By being detached they become aware of differences and are enriched by them. One person's point of view can widen the other's, and both can benefit.

--¥ Forgiveness : We forgive when we choose to not let anger and frustration damage the relationship. Using the power of these emotions we can take better control of our own lives. Guilt leads to atonement and planning to do better next time. Realizing that we are all human leads to compassion. Forgiveness is often an invitation for the other person to do the same.

--¥ Compassion : Recognizing the efforts that the other person puts forth in his or her own way allows us to replace accusations, criticism and badgering by the reverse: support, self-actualization and respect. We can then see the strengths despite the weaknesses and success despite errors; compassion leads to respect. Compassion does not judge.

--¥ Generosity : In a healthy relationship, people are generous by allowing the other person  enough space to find appropriate solutions and make choices related to his or her own life. By being generous, we don't take the other person's place but rather take the time to do things with him or her. First and foremost, being generous means giving by being present and listening. Taking an interest in the other person leads to sharing what he or she is and does, thus confirming that he or she is important as a person. As a result he or she will be more willing to compromise when required to maintain harmony.  He or she will be more open to requests without fear of being belittled. In case of disagreement, the points of harmony will weigh in for a rational equilibrium.

--¥ Joy : When cultivating a relationship, it is advantageous to focus on the positive links that are shared rather then on the disparities. When a relationship brings joy, being with the other person is pleasing and the time spent together is cordial. A smile is a universal sign of joy in a relationship ... the first one we learn. If sincere, a smile is reassuring and leads to a sharing of pleasure.

--¥ Union : An harmonious relationship, because it underlines the importance of each person, is a win-win connection. By highlighting what links us, we become stronger. Its protecting elements insure support when needed. Trust and togetherness grow as our esteem for each other grows.

--¥ Peace : When communicating experiences and emotions is easy, when responsibilities are fair and easily negotiated, the relationship is good. There is peace. By encouraging autonomy, one of the persons is not trapped into being everything for the other person. Both can concentrate on other aspects of life and operate within healthy limits outside the relationship. Working a balance in life is beneficial. Any relationship is far reaching because it is one of many in the tapestry of life.

Acting "as if" the relationship is good puts us in that frame of mind. It is a prayer that expects the best. The main points of this relationship code are well known and are based on ancient teachings. They have not been reinvented by modern psychology which, however, draws on them and has rediscovered their practical value. Acting "as if" the relationship is good as often as we are able can reduce conflict.
Certain conflicts cannot be resolved and lead to a break up. All the efforts made and all the good intentions will seem illusory when faced with deception and the grievance. But, even if our intentions of having a good relationship did not work out, our efforts will result in self-respect and peace of mind.
We all have a stake in cultivating good relationships from which we can fully benefit. Harmony in a relationship can heal the soul and soothe many of the ills of life. But we need not be idealists. When good friends engage in a healthy argument it often becomes an occasion to strengthen their bond. What would relationships be if they were not submitted to a few challenges that deepen them?