Psychologist J.Gray, best-selling author of books exploring gender differences in psychological makeup, has demonstrated how communication between Venus (female) and Mars (male) is challenged by fundamental differences in ways of thinking and acting. In difficult stressful situations, tension mounts between the sexes. When confronted by the mental illness of a child, relations between the sexes are often polarized because of conflicting attitudinal differences that exist between men and women.

And yet, we could look at these traits that naturally complement each other and recognize that gender differences play an important role in the efficient management of issues that arise in times of crisis or of transition often associated with mental illness. Gray's psychological profiles rely on generalizations that do not necessarily apply to every individual. However, they are interesting metaphors that allow a better understanding of why neither personal characteristics nor the mental illness of a loved one may be to blame for the difficulties encountered by the couple.

Linked to human evolution and adaptation, psychological differences between males and females are in continuity with body and brain specifications. Men and women are basically equal but are wired to assume different roles. Thus Venus has been wired to deal with births and maternal instincts as well as the skills needed to foster cooperation among females - thereby facilitating the nurturing of the developing child. She is an expert in human relations, emotions and verbal communication and generally possesses patience and tolerance. She has learned how to put aside her needs and adapt to the demands of everyday life. Tied to natural processes and cycles, she will deal well with events as they evolve in time. She secures emotional ties for herself by nurturing and offering aid to others. Since these ties are essential to survival, Venus bases her decisions on emotional considerations. She has a holistic view of situations and yet her attention to detail can make a tremendous difference in the way she views things.

Mars has developed the necessary skills to provide for his family and to protect them. He has to be a good hunter and a warrior to survive. Most of his energy is directed towards specific goals and projects. His thinking is usually logical and linear. Relationships for him are more often seen as competitive or in a predator-victim context. Both situations call for Mars to bypass fear or other intense emotions so that he can take immediate action. He places importance on the tasks which will bring results. Mars tends to value concrete accomplishments which help him gain respect or admiration from his peers and social recognition. He seeks to solve problems by acting upon situations. He will often need to isolate himself so that he can reflect on what he should do and focus his energy. He formulates a plan to manage his time effectively.

Psychologist Yvon Dallaire says in "Chéri, Parles-moi" (Ed. Option santé, 1997) that while Mars prefers concrete action to solve a problem, Venus wants to solve the problem before taking action. When Mars seeks peace in silence or withdrawal, Venus sees these behaviours as a threat. While Venus’ goal is to protect affective ties, Mars questions those aspects of a relationship which he judges are detrimental to the achievement of his goals or which counter the logical route needed to achieve them. When things do not go well, Venus generally feels that she has been misunderstood while Mars suffers from an absence of validation. There are already so many reasons for uncomfortable relationships between Venus and Mars.

When a child's mental illness challenges them, Venus and Mars, more than at any other time, will cling to the behaviours which over thousands of years have made them feel secure and have assured their survival. Therefore, Venus will be preoccupied with the well being of her child. She will rely on patience and will want to improve things in a progressive manner. She will feel better if her child’s needs are taken care of. Compensating for his failings, will reassure her. Therefore, she may put more importance on what the situation demands than on her own needs at the cost of becoming tied down to the illness. If the situation has to be challenged, she is more likely to fear the consequences of arousing opposition or reprisals. In contrast, Mars will be most concerned about the autonomy and the social integration of the child. He will have difficulty tolerating setbacks and accepting debilitating symptoms. He will want to find solutions and correct the situation right away. Unfortunately, mental illness is subject to situations that do not always have an immediate solution. Having to be patient when what he really feels compelled to do is act, Mars will easily feel powerless. He will have difficulty handling his emotions and will think of disengaging himself from the situation. Mars will be worn down by being stalled and Venus becomes more and more nervous when the situation needs to change.

Therefore, not only do Venus and Mars have to deal with the mental illness of their loved one, they often have to confront one another. In fact, they have to confront themselves because fueled by stress, the extreme characteristics of their respective adaptive behaviours ultimately cause conflict, depending on the situation. But it is precisely at that moment that their individual limitations can contribute to the strengthening of their relationship. Venus can remind Mars that a good warrior must respect the enemy - namely the mental illness and its symptoms - and that the good hunter knows how to wait for the right moment before acting. Mars will remind Venus that she should concentrate on the healthy aspects of the afflicted person and not pander to the illness. He reminds her that she must also think of herself and their relationship. Mars can count on Venus to break through their isolation by seeking help in the community, obtain information that will be useful to prepare an action plan and to set reasonable goals. Venus can depend on Mars to make firm decisions and can count on his support if action is warranted. He will be the one more capable of contacting the authorities if needed. In times of crisis Venus can teach Mars that paying attention to the small pleasurable details of life can effectively alleviate his stress. On the other hand, he will be able to remind her that the illness of their child remains but one component of their lives.

When the need to assume control arises, Venus and Mars should not assign blame to the other just because he/she thinks and acts differently. The awareness of this difference will prevent criticism of the partner and make the situation more tolerable. The important thing is

to appreciate their mate's complementary point of view and even more importantly, to be able to show compassion for the other throughout their shared trials and tribulations.

By Diane Grenier, Family Support Program
Translated from French by Irene Chwalkowski