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Tips on communicating with a mentally ill person
By: Brigitte Boulard, summer student
Communicating your needs and limits can be a challenge for
anybody. Communicating with a person you know that suffers
from a mental illness can definitely be challenging.
Fortunately, there are many tools you can use that will help
you and your loved one understand each other.
The most important tool in communicating
with anybody – mentally ill or not – is respect;
treat the other person like you would like to be treated.
Also, when someone feels respected and heard, they are more
likely to be respectful and consider what the other person
has to say, quid pro quo. Here are a few tips on
communication that will help get your point across and
understand what the other person is saying;
DO
Relax and stay calm. Start a conversation with the
expectation that things will go smoothly.
Minimize distractions; ask if you can turn off the TV for
example.
Listen and make eye-contact (unless this is threatening).
Simplify. One topic at a time.
Use “I-statements”, not “you-statements”. Acknowledge what
the other person says and how they feel, even if you don’t
agree.
Paraphrase; “If I understand you correctly, you…. And I…..Is
that what you’re saying?
Engage the person in the process by asking for opinions and
suggestions.
Watch out for contradictory messages between verbal and
non-verbal messages.
Look for common ground. Focus on observable facts; things
you both saw or heard; “You say you have trouble
concentrating at school if you don’t take your medication?”
Honestly sharing your own feelings can reduce defensiveness
on both sides.
Stick to present issues.
Use humor in easy situations.
A touch on the shoulder can be comforting to some, but
anxiety-provoking to others. Just ask; for example, ”Can I
hug you” or “Can I hold your hand”.
Acknowledge your own responsibility; don’t wait for the
other person to do it first.
DON’T
Don’t start a conversation expecting a confrontation.
Approaching a person with your defenses up will likely make
the communication difficult.
Don’t take it personally; remember that your loved one’s
illness can affect their behavior and communication skills.
Don’t criticize, accuse or blame.
Don’t assume. Clarify by asking questions.
Don’t expect the other person to “just understand it” if you
cannot explain it.
Avoid bringing up the diagnosis.
Don’t raise your voice or attempt to intimidate or
“discipline” the person.
Don’t use general and loaded words such as “always” or
“never”. Use specific words instead.
Don’t use sarcasm and avoid humor in difficult situations
Avoid sounding patronizing or condescending. If someone
treated YOU like a child, would you take them seriously?
It is possible that your loved one might react to your new
way of communicating. If this happens, honesty is the key;
for example, you can tell them how important it is to you to
understand them, and you would like them to understand you
better if that is your case. Of course, each person is
different and unique, so some tips can be used with
different people and some might work better than others.
Thus, it is very important not to give up. Try a technique a
few times and if it doesn’t work try it in a different way
or in combination with another one. Satisfying
communication can take time and lots of practice, but will
be rewarding and improve everybody’s quality of life.
Here are a few books available on loan at Friends For
Mental Health, where you can find more information.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking your life back when
someone you care about has borderline personnality disorder,
Paul T. Manson & Randi Kreger, New Harbinger Publications,
1988.
I Am Not Sick I Don’t Need Help,
Dr. Xavier Amador, Vida Press, 2nd ed, 2007.
When Someone You Love Has a Mental Illness; A handbook for
families, friends and caregivers,
Rebecca Woolis, M.F.C.C., G.P. Putnam’s Sons, New York,
1992.
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